just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
