Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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