Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
