my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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