You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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