Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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