I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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