you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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