Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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