I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
