Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
