There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
