i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
