I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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