4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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