you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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