You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
