man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
