So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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