He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
