Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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