so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There r osticjed everywhere
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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