he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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