Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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