i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
