I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And then he peed in my hair
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