Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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