i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
