Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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