Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
