who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
