So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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