Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
