My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have fence marks all over my body
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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