bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
no, he came in my armpit
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
