When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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