God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
