Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
