Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
