I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
