Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Buhtt sex?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
