You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
