just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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