I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
