a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
