Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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