i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's great music for shaving your balls
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
