I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
