I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
