OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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