Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
