is your mom at the bar?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She's the barista slut.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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